Federal Council in battle mode: The revolution at the vegetable scales

There are days when you seriously wonder whether Switzerland simply has no real problems or whether the Federal Council is running a secret competition: "Who can win the most ridiculous political debate of the year?" And then comes the bag question. The bag questionThe apocalyptic endgame of Swiss statecraft. The national tragedy between cucumber, scales, and spiritual self-abandonment.

Hamlet once said, "To be or not to be." Switzerland says, "Bag or no bag." And quite frankly, if Shakespeare had lived to see this, he would have gone right back to bed. We're not talking about energy supply, not about immigration, not about geopolitical madness. No. We're talking about whether Mrs. Huber has to press one key too many if she weighs two apples. You can't invent the absurdity. It writes itself.

FDP National Councillor Daniela Schneeberger is the Joan of Arc of the bag-poor. She's had a bag-pouring epiphany! She's apparently discovered that Switzerland is on the brink of collapse because the sovereign – that is, the person with the shopping cart – is being asked to state their bag preference. Unacceptable. A violation of human rights. Almost genocide against mental well-being. With thousands of "clicks a day" (her term, not mine), she zips through various apps and arrives at the groundbreaking realization: The bag preference survey must go!

I lean back for a moment, impressed by how one can simultaneously marvel at clicks and yet remain completely unmoved by the fact that a country with seven-figure salaries spews out politicians who consider such things relevant. And the Federal Council, as always, is on hand when it's utterly irrelevant. Our Federal Council, which is basically permanently occupied with… well, with what exactly? Truly pressing issues? National policy visions? Or rather with political posturing?

Of course, the government is backing the request. Of course. It would be embarrassing for the Federal Council to make a real decision while the people are torn to a halt. Instead, they're offering a "voluntary return to the old exception." Like offering a child the chance to "voluntarily" eat the broccoli or else there's no dessert. A country without problems is a country with grand problems.

We must acknowledge this moment: Switzerland is officially so blessed, so absurdly successful, so free from real worries, that the biggest national debate revolves around whether bag selection options on a scale are acceptable. We live in a time when wars are being waged elsewhere, inflation is tearing entire countries apart, governments are collapsing, and people are starving –
And we bravely fight against the only enemy we apparently still find powerful enough: the bag button.

Respect. Really. That's quite an achievement.
If the neutrality, prosperity and sovereignty of the Swiss Confederation really depend on a choice of plastic bags – then good night.

But hey:
We managed to recognize the tragedy in time.
We have a motion.
We have Schneeberger.
We have a Federal Council full of energy and drive.

Switzerland is safe again.
The sack reigns in peace.