Welcome to Switzerland, where watches, chocolate, and mandatory fees function with precision. And right in the middle sits SERAFE, this state-approved "pig-pot-lid" contraption that mercilessly reminds every household: "Don't listen to the radio? Don't watch TV? Doesn't matter. Pay up."
On September 14, 2024, our parliament – presumably after a grueling session filled with filter coffee and awkward silence – decided: SERAFE can continue collecting fees. Until 2034. Bravo. Standing ovations for nine more years of financially lucrative fee collection.
And because good service costs money (or so they claim), SERAFE receives a mere 158 million Swiss francs for this period. That's 17,5 million francs per year to send a bill to 3,7 million households that most of them already know by heart: CHF 335. Excluding VAT. At least they'll grant us this one illusion of generosity.
Then you read the 2024 financial statements and inevitably wonder if you're drunk or if SERAFE really lives in a parallel economy:
24,4 million Swiss francs in compensation.
Profit of 5,9 million Swiss francs.
By sending invoices.
No product. No service. No innovation.
Just printer maintenance and a few threatening emails.
The average Swiss citizen has to toil for hours for that, while SERAFE prints invoices and swims in money. Somewhere out there, a small business owner is quietly weeping into his accounting book. Security! Security! (Dramatic music plays)
A seven-figure sum is paid annually for "security." Presumably to prevent anyone from hacking into the sacred debt collection databases and discovering that half their money evaporates into the administrative apparatus anyway. And then there are the IT costs of over 4 million per year. IT. For invoices. I'll repeat: for invoices. Every village club manages its quarterly accounts with Excel. SERAFE, on the other hand, needs an IT budget that sounds like it's co-financing CERN.
CHF 12,000 for advertising/communication. Advertising. For a mandatory fee. That's like advertising breathing. Or filing your taxes. Or aging. But of course – someone has to explain to the public why they should be happy about the bill.
My personal highlight: External services costing over 6 million Swiss francs. Because a company with exactly one task apparently needs outsourcing. Perhaps external companies will make the work more efficient. Or at least so discreetly that even more millions can be shifted around.
And then: 163 employees. Of those, 14 are consultants. What are 14 consultants for? What do they advise on? How to fold a deposit slip? How to phrase threatening letters more emotionally intelligently? How to circulate money as discreetly as possible through Secon, Sumex, and ELCA?
Let's take a look at the company structure. SERAFE – parent company Sumex – predecessor Secon – all neatly linked together. The same board members, the same executives, the same names: Krauer, Pittou, Schurink, Wassenberg, Renggli… A corporate bingo game where everyone wins. Especially financially.
Sumex belongs to ELCA. ELCA operates management systems in Vietnam. Vietnam! Because nothing screams "Swiss data sovereignty" quite like an outsourced data center on the other side of the world. But hey – they call it a "shoring platform." Sounds much more trustworthy, doesn't it?
And now the million-dollar question: Is a little money being shuffled around here? A few million here, a few consultants there, a bit of outsourcing, a bit of administration, a small loan to the indirectly involved subsidiary… perfectly normal. At least in systems as transparent as a lead-lined safe.
An organization whose most significant work output consists of sending out standard letters needs neither 163 employees nor 14 consultants nor 4 million for IT. But Switzerland should just tolerate that.
Pay, smile, keep your mouth shut.
That seems to be the motto.
And SERAFE thanks you.
With a friendly letter.
And a new bill…
"Dravens Tales from the Crypt" has been enchanting for over 15 years with a tasteless mixture of humor, serious journalism - for current events and unbalanced reporting in the press politics - and zombies, garnished with lots of art, entertainment and punk rock. Draven has turned his hobby into a popular brand that cannot be classified.
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