Instructions: how to give pills to a cat

1. Hold the cat in the crook of your left arm as if you were holding a baby. Place your right thumb and middle finger on either side of the mouth and apply gentle pressure until the cat opens it. Slide the pill in and let the cat shut its mouth.
2. Pick up the pill on the floor and bring the cat out from behind the sofa. Pick her up again and repeat the process.
3. Get the cat out of the bedroom and throw away the drooled pill.
4. Take a new pill out of the box, hold the cat again, and hold paws with your left hand. Force your jaw open and slide the pill into the back of your mouth. Close it and count to 10.
5. Fish the pill from the fishbowl and the cat from the cloakroom. Call your husband from the garden.
6. Kneel on the floor and pinch the cat between your knees. Hold the front paws firmly. Ignore the cat's growling. Ask your husband to hold the cat's head and slide a wooden ruler down its neck. Let the pill roll down the ruler, then rub the cat's neck.
7. Pick the cat from the curtain. Take a new pill from the pack. Make a note of buying a new ruler and mending the curtain.



8. Wrap the cat in a large towel. Drape the pill into the end of a straw. Ask your husband to put the cat in a headlock so that only the head is peeked through the crook of the elbow. Use a ballpoint pen to pry the cat's mouth open and blow the pill into her throat.
9. Check the leaflet to make sure the pill is harmless to humans. Drink a glass of water to get rid of the taste. Bandage your husband's arm and remove the blood from the carpet with soap and cold water.
10. Get the cat out of the neighbor's garden shed. Take a new pill. Put the cat in a closet and close the door at neck level so that the head peeps out. Use a dessert spoon to pry the mouth open. Flick the pill down the throat with a rubber band.
11. Get a screwdriver from the garage and put the door back on its hinges. Put cold compresses on your face and check the date of your last tetanus shot. Throw away your blood-spattered t-shirt and get a new one from the bedroom.
12. Have the fire department get the cat out of the tree across the street. Apologize to the neighbor who drove into the fence to avoid the cat. Take the last pill out of the pack.
13. Tie the cat's front and rear paws together with clothesline. Tie them to the legs of the dining table. Put on gardening gloves and open your mouth with the help of a crowbar. Stuff the pill in, followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold the cat's head upright and pour water afterwards to rinse the pill down.
14. Let your husband drive you to the hospital. Sit still while the doctor sews your fingers and arm and removes the pill from your right eye. On the way back, stop at the furniture store and order a new table.

(via cauldron)